Opening the Door: My understanding of the 12 Steps

In my March 7th blog post Celebrity Rehab: Wrong or Healing? I opened the door to my own understanding of what I perceived to be the secret world of addicts. I have been asked since that posting to explore my feelings, gut emotions and raw observations of my world of the non-addicted. So instead of hanging out in the doorjamb of this volatile experience, I need to enter the room of walking the walk of the addicted so that I may understand their truly unique experiences by baring the soul of my own.

I started this exploration by reading parts of the Big Book; The touchstone of the addicted. I was shocked to realize in all my dealings, I never sat down and tried to understand Friends of Bill W. I thought that I had all the answers, had completed my tour through hell and considered myself the wise sage of survivors. How wrong I am. I have not completed my journey. I have only touched the tip of the white hot iceberg of understanding.

A person dear to me questioned whether I should talk about the subject of addiction and wasn’t I opening myself to condemnation by people in my life. Hell Yeah I need to talk about this. It needs to be said and I do not need to bow my head in shame. If I can gain some wisdom or open that secretive door to honest communication, then yes I will listen and learn. I need to explore my take on the 12 Steps to Recovery. I need to address my wisdom as well as my shortcomings.

By reading the 12 Steps that are a time honored help tool for the addicted, I realized that these steps could be applied to own journey as well.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. Yes I am powerless. I am unable to heal you or fix you. I have to realize that this is so much bigger than myself.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have to come to the realization that because I can not fix you, I have not failed you. I need to truly let go and let God. This is the hardest thing to do because I think my love is enough.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I need to let the addict make this journey by themselves and to be there when they want me to. But only when they ask. Instead of worrying what you are going to do, I need to work on my own reactions.

4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. What have I done to promote, enable or dissuade the addict. Change what I can with myself only. Change my behavior, not control my surroundings.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. When you do complete this step, I need to forgive you. I need to search my soul and make amends for blaming you for not doing what I think you should be doing. Blame, refusal or inability to forgive along with resentment go hand in hand. Oh boy did I have a shopping list of real and perceived wrongs. Instead of talking about them, I buried it. I spent many years resenting the hell out of Daniel when I was equally to blame because I locked my feelings away.

6. We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I need to trust your version of higher power so that I can trust you. I need to be willing to accept every day as a new day and that you too are ready to change because you too are learning to trust.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Every morning I need to greet it with hope not despair. I need to remain positive that today is a good day. I need to stop being angry.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. I need to stop thinking that because I can say I am sorry you should too. I need to realize that this step is small part of a bigger journey that I need to let you keep private.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I need to accept your apology. I need to stop making you pay for all the wrongs in my life. From what I understand, this is an extremely difficult step. My experience with Daniel was that I waited for my apology and gave up when I did not get it. This bred resentment in me for so many years. The days before his death, Daniel said he was sorry. I felt many years of locked away pain were released.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Can you imagine having to do this step? The daily self examination must be grueling to say the least. What may come easy to the non-addict can be intimidating to the addict.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. If we could do this every day, think of how centered you would become. This step to my is a daily lifeline that can applied to the addict as well as the non-addict.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Coming from the old school ways of “Don’t Talk – Don’t Tell” I see the most destructive point is to not share your experiences with others. Let the addict talk about their experiences. How are you going to understand if you make it impossible to listen.

We must be open to how addiction affects you as well as sharing tips to survive a relationship with an addict without turning bitter. It is because we stay silent that prevents the healing. And to me, I would rather get this out in the open instead of wallowing in my murky sea of shame.

Bad Girl, Bad Girl,Whatcha Gonna Do?

Colleen Long, reporter for Associated Press stated in the March 15th paper that “The lawyer for the call girl linked to the downfall of Gov. Eliot Spitzer lashed out at the media on Friday for thrusting the 22-year-old woman into the “public glare” without her consent and publishing revealing photos.”

Okayeee… Since I am a mother of twenty-somethings, I feel the need to let little Kristen know that once you got the pictures out there honey you better be real prepared to live your life in the public microscope or just not have photos like that taken. And also sweetie, when you sign up to be a $1,000/hr call girl, figure in the factor that you just might be at the middle of an ugly sex scandal because the rich and powerful have equally as rich and powerful enemies.

My predictions for this girl? If she plays her hand of cards right, she could get a record deal (think Britney Spears with less clothes on) or a quick scandal tell-all but in her chosen line of business she better be equally prepared for the IRS man to come knocking on her door.

Celebrity Rehab – Wrong or Healing?

There has been much pooh-poohing surrounding VH1’s Celebrity Rehab. Many criticize Dr. David Drew Pinsky’s motives for doing a show such as this. Bloggers, recovering addicts and addiction specialists, feel that it sensationalizes the serious disease of addiction. William Moyers, the Executive Director of Hazeldon Recovery Center, states that Celebrity Rehab is “yet another example of the dumbing down and trivialization of a very serious and chronic illness that robs people of their dignity and respect”.

I consider myself a very compassionate and somewhat understanding person when it relates to addictions. I have many friends that suffer from this disease as well as a few close to me losing their lives, such as my ex-husband Daniel and best friend Bonnie, to this daily never-ending fight. And still, knowing some of the perils and gut-wrenching decisions addicts have to make daily in their lives, I did not understand completely and unequivocally this disease.

At first I admit watching that first show I was disgusted with the concept. People that have this disease that robs them of their lives should not be paraded like circus monkeys for our viewing entertainment. Then it hit me. I wanted to see what went on in a treatment facility. I wanted to hear what addicts had to say. I wanted to finally understand Daniel and Bonnie’s death. You see. Even though I was a first hand observer of what this disease does, I had run away from my own feelings of helplessness. I have spent so many years not fully understanding how this ugly memory of my past works. I am the typical bystander.

Several years ago, after my friend went into rehab, I was told that “I was really great at getting people into treatment but I was lousy at maintaining them”. Ouch! That really did hurt. But you see, I had no idea how treatment worked. Oh sure I had the ground floor understanding but I didn’t see past my own feelings of “Good you are in, now get better and don’t do it again.” I always felt that if the person really wanted to stop they would. Now this is very common feeling amongst the non-addicts but this feeling can also bring great pain to everyone involved.

I never saw what went on in treatment with Daniel. I went to the family meetings but swallowed too many bad tastes in my mouth to ever be really an effective supporter in Dan’s recovery. I didn’t see the disease Daniel had, just the horror it inflicted on me. The addiction counselors at the treatment center weren’t all that concerned at the time with the family, just the patient. Now I know that there have been huge steps in the way of treating the whole family not just the addict but in that era there was not much available with the exception of Al-anon for families. His own sponsor told me I was in the way of Daniel’s recovery. So I was left to struggle with my anger and sadness on my own.

For years I thought Daniel had his private club. A place where I was not allowed and I felt so left out that I could not deal with my own feelings of despair. So I hid them. Hid my feelings away in a nice tidy and mangageable package. I did what was best for my kids and me and I left Dan. Why not! He had all his addict friends, I had the shame that he was an addict. For years I ate my anger for sustenance daily. What a confused mess that was.

Watching Celebrity Rehab, especially the episode where the family was present enlightened me. The wives were saying what I had always wanted to say. The addicts let me know what was in their brains and I really started to heal myself. I started to understand what people with this disease go through. It made sense. I got to see the process. To see how painful it was and to start to really care about these addicts. I felt the years of hurt dropping away and I started to finally understand for the first time in my life that addiction is a disease. It is a disease that robs everyone of their dignity; addict and non-addict alike.

So do I agree with the experts that shun this show as exploitative? For me? No. Because I am seeing what I should have seen years ago. I know now I can ask questions of the addict without feeling I am invading a secret territory. I can stop being angry and hurt and I can understand.

Finally

Religious Bigotry

When I was a child, growing up Catholic in the pre and slightly post Vatican II world, I was strongly encouraged by the priests, nuns and lay teachers not to associate with non-Catholics. It is well known fact during this time that many Catholics viewed other faiths as wrong and would lead to the corruption of their young. The common term we used to identify non-Catholics was “publics” or the all encompassing term “Protestants”.Unknown to me at this time, other faiths were busy protecting their flock from the evil influence of Catholicism. I remember being 8 years old and getting my first taste of religious bigotry I was innocently practicing. I was walking to my Grandfather’s house in my green plaid uniform, when I passed a group of Wheaton College kids. “Here comes a little Papist” the smirking students loudly said. Having no clue what why they called me that, I asked my Grandfather what the word meant. On that day, I learned about the word bigot. And the most important lesson my Grandfather taught me was that religious bigotry was practiced in every faith and every doctrine. That it was wrong and hateful. He taught me that no church is better then the other. But it was how you conducted your life in a manner that was good, honest and caring and that was the true doctrine.Religious bigotry is prejudice or discrimination against one or all members of a particular religious group based on negative perceptions of their religious beliefs and practices or on negative group stereotypes. I want to focus on Christianity as a whole not split off into sects, churches or organizations. Not because I am picking on Christians but because this faith is what I know.

We as Christians are busy group. Catholics are still pissed at the Protestants because of that nasty Martin Luther issue, Protestants are still pissed at the Catholics because they did not follow their idea of the “true” faith, Muslims are all terrorists and everybody hates the Jews. Lordy Miss Gordy! Can’t we just get along?

Discussing religious bigotry is slippery slope indeed. I have in my life experienced and practiced religious bigotry myself. First as a Catholic schoolgirl, confused by the papist stereotype and then again as a born-again Christian. Religious bigotry is completely invisible to the person practicing it. In fact, I thought it was my mission to save the world and make everyone think like me. This type of bigotry always disguises itself as piety and righteousness. This holier than thou belief that only Christians can go to Heaven or that they are more superior because of their self-perceived connection straight to the big guy, is not only insidious but evil as well.

I remember telling my Grandfather, the same one that warned me about religious bigotry, that he was going to hell because he did not renounce his Catholic faith and become born-again. I was an avid reader of Chick Publications Tracts. You know the one where Catholics are portrayed as worshipping the God Baal? Boy did I feel superior! I was convinced that it was my job to bring him over from the dark side of Catholicism. Thank God he was patient with me. He smiled, patted my hand and told me that he had a relationship with Jesus a bit longer than I did. At that moment I knew what a bigot was – it was me.

How many times do we hear the rumors that Atheists are going take over the world or that all people who believe in the Islamic faiths are terrorists? That Wiccans are busy casting spells that would make the old woman from Hansel and Gretel look pious? Or that the Jews are to be blamed forever for Christ’s death? Our soldiers are dying because God punnishing us for having gays on TV? We are so busy trading statistical percentages of who killed more people – Christians or Atheists that we forget that we are spewing prejudism. With the Internet, religious yellow journalism and propaganda are rampant. A few well placed posts can ignite the ignorance and hate in Christians everywhere and within a few moments cause such an email fury that spreads religious bigotry with every key stroke.

Now with the presidential race upon us, what religion the candidate is practicing is more important than if a candidate is even competent to be our President. Remember Jimmy Carter’s campaign? It was highly spoken of that he was a “good” Christian. His largest voting base came from the religious right that through pulpit campaigning elected him on his choice of the Christian God, not the fact that he was good leader. So we got a President that tearfully apologized for having lust in his heart and at the same time couldn’t put a policy together to save his life.

Ministers/Priests/Theologians condemn all other kinds of bigotry. But they close their eyes to their own congregations bigotry. Most use religion to justify themselves. Christians say Jews killed Christ so they are dammed and deserve the discrimination they experience, Men are superior to Women because Eve gave Adam the apple of sin, Homophobics justify their hatred of gays by finding condemnation for homosexuals in the Bible. So bigotry and religious justification walk side by side. We are blind to our own bigoted ways. Who cares if someone is a caring, good, kind, loving person, if he ain’t with G.O.D he can’t be with me. Hogwash!

Look I don’t care where people go to church, what Gods they pray to, or what scriptures they draw inspiration from. But I do care when people use their religious beliefs to balls out condemn those that believe differently than they do.

Here is a few pointers on how not to be a religious bigot. Get religion out of politics, stop forwarding the emails that spew hatred towards another religious belief, and realize that this Country has many different religious or spiritual beliefs so get over yourselves. Stop tying to get me to join your club, got my own thank you and open your mind to something that may well educate you and stop justifying hateful bigotry by hiding behind your God.

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